The Unholy is not something Asians can relate to

 

The LaLlorona horror movie poster template. (Image courtesy of cinema.com.my)

Once again, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is back with another big-budget horror movie backed by a big studio name, and this time, it's exactly the same as the last one. 

Don't get me wrong, The Possession was good and all, but much like the previous project JDM contributed to, The Unholy wasted time with cheap jump scares and not enough anxiety inducing moments. It was like a slow and winding drive down a dark, deserted road while someone keeps jumping out of the bushes trying to hitch a ride. You're just there, foot casually resting on the gas pedal and going, "welp, there he is again." It was shocking the first time, but then it just gets bothersome instead of actually scary. 

The Unholy stars Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Kathryn "Katie" Aselton, William Sadler, Cary Elwes, Diogo Morgado and Cricket Brown. 

Like a discount version of Chloe Grace Moretz. (Image courtesy of variety.com)

The Unholy is about Alice (Cricket Brown), a deaf-and-mute-from-birth girl who starts speaking again after talking to an imaginary friend called Mary, whom she mistakes for the virgin Mary (I know we've all made that mistake). Through "the virgin Mary" she starts performing miracles and quickly grows a large following of people from all over the world. 

Unbeknownst to everyone, the virgin Mary that Alice had been speaking to, is actually a Satan-worshipping witch that was hung from a tree in the mid 1800's that was recently released and is now trying to corrupt people for their souls. 

My explanation of the plot is really just understating it. To give credit where credit is due, the writers actually gave this movie a pretty good layering of plot, but for the sake of jumping straight to the review, we've watered it down for you. 

They say don't go chasing waterfalls. Well, this movie teaches you to just leave weird dolls you find in random fields alone. (Image courtesy of rogerebert.com)

Let me write this from an Asian person's standpoint. The only reason Alice started communing with Mary was because JDM's character, Gerry, smashed a little doll he found in a field somewhere. As Asians, we know damn well never to pick up strange little dolls in unknown areas, especially dolls that have chains wrapped around it. Not only would we NOT pick them up or smash them, we'd get the fuck out of there real quick. 

If this was an Asian movie, it would've been over super quick. Not even past the 10 minute mark. The only way they could continue the plot was to cast an ignorant white guy to do something superstitiously stupid.

Other than the plot progression, the movie did have some pretty interesting storylines, mainly Gerry Fenn himself, the town, the Archdiocese (man, Cary Elwes got old and a had a bit too many botox injections) and the spirit of Mary. 

The production quality was good, but it does have a similar feel to other big-budgeted horror movies, lazily setting up obvious jump scares and not trying to be creative with the follow-through. 

The script writing was pretty standard. Conversations were smooth, but that's because of the pedigree of actors they have on the project and because of that, the movie progressed quite seamlessly.

For the cons, there were some scenes that were pretty comical, but once you devour the entire movie and digest it, it kind of seemed necessary. 

Be honest, you'd confuse this for the virgin Mary too, amirite? (Image courtesy of slashfilm.com)

All in all, there were more pros than cons, so we chalk it up to Sony studios and Ghost House pictures just wanting something palatable for the general viewing audience just so they can rake in the big bucks. 

It was a casual horror movie experience with a low to mid rewatch value. 

Asian Does Horror gives The Unholy 👻👻👻 ghost emojis out of five.